How Could You?

I witnessed it again last night while I was shopping. A mother, with two young daughters was talking with a friend, and the girls started misbehaving. They were arguing a bit about something, getting just a bit rowdy in their sisterly interaction. The mother was instantly embarrassed by their behavior and reacted accordingly. Her expression and countenance told those girls that she was deeply disappointed and ashamed they would act that way in front of her friend. And she had some harsh words with her daughters.

It brought back some memories because I know I’ve been guilty of the same thing.

Here’s the problem when we allow our children’s behavior to embarrass us. Our focus isn’t on them. Our focus is on ourselves. We take their behavior as a personal affront. We become more interested in what others think or on how we feel than being focused on teaching and training our children. We react from hurt, and the ones really being hurt are our own children.

Just think how often God could be embarrassed by our behavior. By the things we say or do. But He’s not. He is patient, and kind, and is not self-seeking. His compassions never fail. He is the Love of the father in the story of the prodigal son.

Learn from my experience. Don’t be embarrassed by your children. Focus on teaching them, instead. They’re still learning…and so are we.

No Biting!

Another one for the behavior series…

What about biting?

Biting is a common problem among young children. It’s usually that 2nd child trying to gain the upper hand over their older sibling. Emotions rise to a point that he can’t figure any other way to handle the situation other than taking a chunk out of big brother or sister.

Andrew (now 26) was a biter. I don’t remember it happening very many times, but it did happen. I do remember smacking him on the mouth with my fingers a few times, looking sternly into his face and saying, “No!” I wasn’t even sure how to handle the situation.

So? What are your ideas about biting? Found anything that “works”?

A Sad Conversation

Me: You know, the Bible tells us not to lie. (instructing voice)

Child #5 or 6 (at approx. age 8-10): It does? (amazed voice)

Me: Yeah, you know. (impatient voice) In the Ten Commandments. (duh voice)

Child: The Ten Commandments? What are the Ten Commandments? (really amazed voice)

Me: (Uh-oh moment) Hmmm….(this kid really doesn’t know what I’m talking about)…..Didn’t I tell you about those? (amazed voice)

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(Where are Cindy’s spreadsheets when you need them?)

Even in our most careful planning and teaching, we will leave gaps. Thank goodness, there is One who loves our children even more than we, and He’ll make sure to fill in where we leave off!

I’ve witnessed it first-hand.

Keep lovin’ them and take a deep breath….it will be OK.

You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. (Phil. 4:19-20 The Message)

Choices and Consequences

The loss of privileges and reaping consequences is usually an effective method of training. After all, life is a series of choices, and those choices come with blessings or consequences.

Effective consequences are those that make a child re-evaluate their behavioral choices. It’s got to hit their passions hard enough that they decide making a good choice is a much better alternative. When we choose consequences for our child’s wrong choices, we need to make sure the consequence matches the offense and is of a reasonable time-frame.

Just today I grounded one of my boys from his X-box. He was playing it when I discovered his closet was a disaster. He knows we (should) choose taking care of our responsibilities before we do anything for entertainment. He has lost the privilege for a week.

We’ve had quite a variety of consequences with raising seven kiddos.

I remember one time telling Erin her loss would be reading. Yep. It was her passion. She was the child who would answer a doorbell, her eyes never leaving the page she was reading.

Our children have had to miss youth church on Wednesday nights. They’ve missed birthday parties for friends. They’ve missed dance lessons, guitar lessons and drum lessons. They’ve had their instruments taken away.

They’ve gotten extra chore duty for not doing the job the right way, or for whining and complaining.

Yeah, we’re mean parents. We want our kids to get the message that obedience and good attitude is more important than the things they love most.

What are some effective consequences or loss of privileges you’ve used in your home or even remember as a kid?

Who's the Boss?

You have Miss Bossypants at your house? Or Mr. Know-it-All? Listen to his bossiness carefully. You have an opportunity to learn about your child’s spiritual giftings!

You may discover responsibility, administration, prophecy, discernment, leadership, or exhortation. The list could go on. And, right now those very giftings are immature and untrained. They may be showing themselves as manipulation, controlling, pushiness, anger, or judgementalism.

So, how do we help our children turn those weaknesses into strengths?

Here are a few things that might help:

Continually establish the authority roles in your home
Have your child listen to his tone of voice (sometimes, it’s not the words as much as the tone—true for us as well!)
Have him “practice” the word exchange again, the right way.
Continually encourage personal responsibility
Teach him about his giftings and using them correctly
Teach God’s Word, reading lots of scriptures about the tongue and the words of our mouth
Pray, pray and pray some more

Again, this is not something that will go away after a few reprimands. It will be an on-going process as long as you are responsible for your child’s training. Take heart! God has a mighty plan for that bossy little one. Ask me how I know! ; )

What ways do you deal with your bossy ones?

M-O-O-O-O-O-OM!

It starts with picking. It moves on to bickering. From there, with the right buttons pushed, mom has been brought in on the scene.

If you have more than one child, you recognize this as…..dun---ta-dun-dun…. sibling rivalry. It’s the source of many hair-pulling days. Left unattended, it can become the ending to one of your child’s best lifetime friendships.

In our home, with so many children, this sort of behavior came often. One day, I decided to lighten the mood a bit, and try to teach something at the same time. After too many warnings, I tied Andrew and Erin together, wrist-to-wrist. I told them they would have to learn to cooperate together and when they were getting along and choosing to love one another, I would release their bonds. They were probably around 8 and 10.

At first, they would just sit down. But, soon, they would decide to try something together. Then, it became a game.

If you ask them, they’ll tell you they just pretended to cooperate and get along so I'd untie them. But, I knew when they had gotten past their bickering. Their smiles had returned.

I used this technique with several other sibling pairs. Sometimes, it was over quickly. Others, depending on their stubbornness level, took several hours.

Overcoming sibling rivalry takes work and more work, prayer and more prayer. It is only ended when each child has a change of heart and chooses to love. (hang in there) ; )

What are your techniques for dealing with sibling rivalry?

Tomorrow, we’ll deal with bossing other siblings.

What are some other parenting issues you’d like to see discussed here?

Mouthy

Sassing. Talking-back. Back-talkin’. Mouthing off. We’ve done it, we’ve experienced it.

It’s a behavior that needs to be stopped quickly and it starts way earlier than you’d ever think! (My baby’s mouth just said, “No”? No way!)

It’s something you’ll begin with instructing your precious ones, “we don’t talk back to mommy”, and, as they grow, develops into instructions in respect, authority and the tongue.

When our children are young, they may need many reminders.

My friend, Amy has a suggestion. Being concerned about her daughter’s sassiness, and after much prayer and searching of scriptures, she and her husband came up with “Sassy Sauce” – apple cider vinegar in a spray bottle! A little unconventional, but it works for her.

“Madison is almost 5 and Jonathan is 2 (and very good at it). We started with one spray for saying "no" or "but", two sprays for any complaining or arguing. I try and give one warning but I don't threaten all day long. It's easier for me to spray it, talk to her about controlling her tongue, and then reap the benefits from the action the rest of the day.

She knows that if she doesn't take the vinegar then she gets a spanking and then STILL has to take the vinegar so she stands there and opens her mouth.

Our son is the same way. He stands there and just cries. Time outs are pretty effective with him so we typically only spray him when his little tongue is completely out of control.
When I look around I am so glad that I am working with them in this crucial area. For this is something that I have to work on in my own life at 28. So in essence WE as a family are working on not arguing and complaining TOGETHER.

Geez....guess I should give myself the sassy sauce sometimes: )”

The important thing is making sure you begin to see progress in your child’s response to you. Be sure your child understands your expectations, then figure out something that “works”.

What happens at your house when your child talks back or has a sassy mouth? Remember to list their ages.

We’ll come back to “What Works” on Tuesday of next week. Then, we’ll talk about sibling rivalry and picking on each other. Them, not us... ; )

I'm Tellin'....

A tattle-tale shares information that is not his to share, or sets himself up to police a situation. For us big kids, it’s called gossiping and being a busybody. It can lead to all kinds of relational problems and is something we tried to keep under control.

At our home, the girls seemed to be bigger tattle-tales than the guys. Or maybe it was only the order our children were born. We had Erin, then Andrew, and then 3 more girls before our last two, boys

I remember telling my kids that unless someone was bleeding profusely or dead, I didn’t really want to know the “information” about what their sibling was or wasn’t doing. ; )

Our little Katie (now 19, a nursing student, and married) was our most memorable tattler. Part of it was because of her personality and giftings. She is very much a take-charge girl and has the gift of discernment. However, it was a gifting that needed some directing and harnessing.

One day, in my frustration with the continued tattling, an idea came to me (I’m sure it was direct from heaven! ). I attached a tail to her backside. A tattle-tail to wear all day. She was about 4 or 5. It was just a sash, really, but it was a little embarrassing to her and I only remember using it twice.

Have any tattlers at your house? What have you found to cur-“tail” the behavior? Do tell. (Be sure to give your children’s ages).

Tomorrow? How about talking back or being sassy? Oh, you’ve never experienced that one, huh? ; )

Thou Shall Not Whine

Thanks for your comments yesterday. They were written with passion and great understanding. Take the time to read them. This is an issue near and dear to most of us. It’s where we live! (FYI: Erin and Ali are two of my daughters—I love hearing their perspective on parenting! It makes me smile!)

Today, we’ll take up the issue of whining.

I remember whining well….too well. It’s something that we, as moms, can become immune to hearing. It may happen so often that we don’t even notice it anymore! But, it’s an annoying tone of voice in our children (and hopefully not in ourselves!) that if left unchecked will become a habit that we’ve allowed.

When our children (around the ages of 3-9) would whine, we would remove them from the rest of the family (by sending them to sit on a sofa in our bedroom).We explained to them that whining is complaining and not acceptable behavior, and they were to stay in the bedroom until they were ready to come speak in a normal tone of voice, with instructions to return with an apology. It usually worked without having to take further steps. (Though, sometimes, they were sent back to the bedroom a second time to try again for a better tone.) Soon, they learned that using a whiny tone of voice was not acceptable without consequences.

So, what are your suggestions for ending the whineys? What has worked for you?

Tell us your children’s ages, the method(s) you’ve tried and found to work. (and if you already told us yesterday, tell us again about how you handle whining.) Like some of you said, what works for one of your children may not work for another personality or situation. Maybe we’ll all get some good suggestions. This will be fun and enlightening!

Tomorrow, we’ll talk about tattling! But, don’t go tellin’ anyone ; ).

Does it Work?

Recently at a parenting class I attended, there was some discussion on discipline methods and “what works”. So, we defined “works” in reference to changing a child’s behavior. I don’t remember the exact definition my friend, Cheryl said, but it was something along the lines of:

It’s where good attitude and proper behavior meet; a heart change in your child. It's establishing the boundaries necessary for peace in your home. It's training in righteousness.

Too many times we find ourselves corralling, controlling, or simply enduring our child’s behavior, hoping it will pass, or not even knowing how to deal with it.

And when we do find something that “works’ it doesn’t necessarily mean that particular behavior will never creep in or happen again. It might. It probably will. And we press on.

So, this week I want us to discuss some methods you’ve used to change your child’s behavior. Things that have “worked” in regard to talking back, lying, being a tattle-tale, not following through, whining, and others.

Do you have a definition of what “works”?

What are some particular areas you struggle with in correcting your child’s behavior?

Come back tomorrow….we’ll begin then with whining. Got some good suggestions?