Warrior Princess or King?

This week Dirk and I are focused on material for sharing at an upcoming marriage seminar. This is a previous post from March, 2008. Share your thoughts?

The message series at Lifechurch.tv right now is “Warrior”. If you didn’t get a chance to see it last weekend, it’s a “must-see”. Watch it here.

In the message, Craig Groschel says that the Church has emasculated our men, our warriors. I totally agree, but I think we women have had a lot to do with that. Even emasculating our own husbands.

Think about it:

We train them to put the seat DOWN after they use the toilet.

We purchase hair removal products, “encourage” them to pluck their eyebrows, and talk about the “disgusting rugs” on their backs.

We invite them into our frilly, pink, lacy bedrooms (or living rooms—hey! I’ve seen some!)

We relegate “their stuff” (hunting trophies, pictures of the guys, military things) into the garage, their bathroom, the closet.

We “encourage” them to speak nicely (translated: “act like me, a mommy”) to our children, even when they have misbehaved. “Honey, you’ll hurt their little feelings”.
.
I don’t know about you, but if the tables were turned, and my guy expected me to be like him….well,…..it makes you think.

Maybe some of us shouldn’t wonder why when he:

Shuts down
Quits trying
Doesn’t want to be at home
Won’t go to church with us

Craig encouraged us girls to be Warrior Princesses, to stand by our Warriors . I’m thinkin’ there are a lot of us that just want to be The Princess, or maybe The King.

Ways to Fight Fair

Dirk and I have been invited to participate in a break-out session as part of a marriage conference next weekend.  The subject we were requested to share about:

 COMMUNICATION

I'll be sharing some thoughts this week from our preparation.

Our relational discussions really don't have to end up in a blow-out fight if we have some guidelines and boundaries in place.  Then we can be in control of the argument, rather than the argument controlling us.

Here is a hand-out we are working on.

ALWAYS

Believe your mate has your best interest at heart

Listen. Ask yourself, "Is there any truth to this?"

See the discussion as an opportunity for understanding rather than for winning.

Remove sarcasm, cynicism, and anger from your words and tone.

Stay on topic.

See the issue as "our" issue, not "his" or "her" issue

Keep the discussion only between you and your mate

Take responsibility for yourself and your actions

Recognize your limits. If things are heating up, agree to a time-out.

Finish the discussion. Don't leave it open-ended.

Forgive

NEVER

See your mate as the adversary

Belittle, insult, call names or use abusive language

Label or compare ("You are so ________" or You are just like your _________")

Try to have the last word

Shut down and use the silent treatment

Put up defenses and retaliate verbally

Tear down the other's character and personality. Keep it about behavior.

Use the D word (divorce)

Threaten, yell, scream, slam doors or throw, hit or break things

Walk away or leave the house (except for an agreed upon time-out)

Bring up the past or former unresolved discussions

Blame or make accusations

Generalize - "You always", "You never", "Can't you just...?", "You are so..."

Make assumptions about what you think your mate is saying. Ask direct questions.

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What do you think?  Any additions or suggestions?

Can these guidelines help to control the argument rather than it controlling us?

I had it Backwards

No, not my shirt, but I’ve done that before.  You know, half-asleep, or in the dark, you slip your shirt over your head, and it just doesn’t feel right.  And then you realize, Goofy... you put it on backwards.



Just today, after a very long time, I figured out I was doing something else backwards….in my thinking, in my heart.



I discovered yet another way I get offended.



‘Bout time, you say.



Well, thankfully, He isn’t through with me, yet!  I’m still learning.



I discovered that I expect other people to treat me the way I would treat them.   I know.  A revelation, huh?



When someone, especially someone I expect to know better,  does or says something to me that I would NEVER do or say to them, it is offensive to me.  I take it personally. I get a little bit indignant.



Self-righteous of me, don’t you think?



You know the scripture.  “Treat others the way you want them to treat you.” (Luke 6:31 NLT)



I just can’t find the one that says “Others will treat you as you treat them.”



If you find it, will you let me know?



Otherwise, I think I’m just going to have to let Him change my backwards thinking, my backwards heart.



And stop being offended.



~Robin

A River Runs Through It

Last night I attended Converge – the first in a series of monthly meetings at the NW campus of Lifechurch.tv. on worship.  There were nearly 100 people who came, bringing their talents in the areas of music and tech.  Chuck Dennie did an outstanding job of casting vision for this group—a vision which included exhorting us all to be servants in the other ministries of Lifechurch.



His words stirred in me something I was able to share with our youngest sons (also musicians) as we were driving home.



Worship isn’t just about singing, playing instruments or singing on the stage during a weekend experience.



Worship is the outpouring of our hearts, even through the most mundane, regular things we do.



Worship is seeing God’s hand in the beautiful sunrise.

Worship is smiling at that little one while you’re changing his poopy diaper.

Worship is choosing to love that office or school mate, even when they are unlovable.

Worship is embracing your circumstances, not merely enduring them.

Worship is thinking of others as more important than ourselves.

Worship is accepting that He is in control, and I am not.

Worship is serving.

Worship is loving.



Worship is a natural outflow of what is in our heart.  It is the River of Life flowing through us.



John 7:38

Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart.’”



Romans 12:1

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.



May we be so connected to the Source of Life that nothing comes from us but pure, joyful, humble worship BECAUSE of our relationship to Him---in ALL that we do.

~Robin

The Best Gift - Your Time

A deeper appreciation of my time came during all my crafting for Christmas this month. I can’t say that I’m all that talented, but I really do enjoy planning and fashioning things for the people in my life. Tote bags are kind of my theme for the year and while I’ve had a great time of it after making my 17^th tote bag in the last month or so, I am getting a bit weary! Sitting there monotonously sewing on those bags led me to reflecting on my true intentions for wanting to make the gifts that I give.

These days when time is money it is much more of a sacrifice to take that extra time to plan and create instead of just grabbing things off the shelf. As a young girl and then young wife I did handmade gifts more for financial reasons. Now when I could more afford to go buy people presents I found the desire to craft a gift went much deeper than just the money. This was a time to creatively labor with my own hands to produce something that is accomplished through personal frustration and triumph. Something that has the special touch of a person who knows that one that they are creating for. Whether it means as much to the person on my list or not, it has deep significance for me.



This also led me to think about the gift of my time all throughout the year. Sure I spend lots of time cleaning, cooking and toiling for my family, but true sacrificial time with those that mean the most to me - Do I offer this gift enough? Many of us well-intentioned parents can probably say that yes they do spend time with their kids, but is it doing what you want to do or busy in school-learning-type time, or is it actually letting lose and doing just what that person wants to do?

Thankfully I can say that through a journey God took me through in my life a year ago, I now have learned to drop things and watch that football game with my husband or play “policeman” with my kids. Is it hard sometimes? Definitely! But this is what will matter someday. Let this season be a time to truly reflect on the best gift you can give year round. YOU . . . In the most sacrificial way you can give yourself . . . Your time.

Erin

Note:  That is my Great-grandmother's sewing machine.  I think she'd like it that I'm using it. :)

Thoughts on Mary

Originally written 12/18/07 at www.manymeadows.blogspot.com

I’ve been thinking about Mary, mother of Jesus this week.

Can you imagine the thoughts and feelings she must have experienced finding out that she was going to carry the long awaited Messiah? I’m sure she experienced fear and uncertainty along with morning sickness and all the accompanying child-bearing issues.

But that’s not what I’ve been thinking most about. I’ve been thinking about why she was chosen, why she was found worthy.

You see, we know she was very young, so she had not yet been tested in long-term relationships, or maybe even much temptation. In her short life, she probably hadn’t been through enough to show how she would handle adversity. She didn’t excel at the levels we may consider a “mature”, godly person to have. We sure wouldn’t have chosen her.

But God did. And I think he chose her especially for one reason.

She was willing. Willing to follow the calling on her life. Willing to obey. Willing to do whatever her Father asked of her. She was a servant. She knew the voice of her Master.

Are we willing? Do we recognize His voice enough to be able to listen? And are we even listening?

Oh, may our hearts be willing and may our spiritual ears be open to the gentle voice of our Master! That’s really all he asks of us.





Robin

Dear Robin

From my in-box this week:

Dear Robin,

What do you do when your husband doesn't clean up after himself?  Do you leave it until he notices later while in the meantime it is driving you crazy and in the way of our daily life?  Or do you constantly follow after him cleaning up his little mini tornadoes all day.  We're talking dirty clothes all over the floor when he has his own laundry basket, dirty dishes left at his place on the table and elsewhere wherever he leaves them in the house, and little projects he works on just being left as is,  mess and all.  I have really been focusing on this in teaching my kids, but when hubby doesn't even do it,  how do I expect my kids to learn the right way?



OK – I haven’t replied back to this question yet.  See?  In our family, Dirk is the really neat one….a knot, if you will and I’m….well, I’m just not.  J  Not to make excuses for your husband, but I’m telling you, he just doesn’t see that stuff.  It’s invisible to him….and it doesn’t bother him a bit. 

Another thing to remember, even though his things are driving you nuts, I’m sure there are some things you do that drive him nuts too!  We all need a little extra grace from time to time. It's one of the things that keeps a relationship healthy.

But, I know this wife wants to honor her husband, and not mother him.  So?  What are your suggestions?  How can she tactfully let her husband know that his stuff is getting out of control and help him see that he is setting a poor example to his children?



Come on…I know you have some great ideas.





Robin

Hurts and Offenses.....The End?

Today, we'll finish this series with some answers, hopefully, to how we can overcome hurt feelings and offenses.  We all will be hurt.  It's a fact when you open your heart to love.

But, can we learn to recognize our response, identify the real offense and then quickly forgive?  I think so.  And our relationships will be healthier for it.

Here are a few of my thoughts:

*Recognize the evil spirit behind the offense.  Satan wants to destroy you and your relationships.  Be aware of how badly he wants you to take things personally.

*Know that it is unusual for someone to calculate and purposefully hurt another person.  It does happen.  But, usually it is not intentional.

*Don't trust your feelings.  Even though we can't help our feelings, we can take the necessary steps to prevent those feelings from fueling our emotions. (The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? -Jer. 17:9)

*Be quick to bottom-line your offense.  Don't attach it to past circumstances, other feelings of rejection, or blow it out of proportion.

*Wait to speak about your offense until you've had time to sort it out. You don't want to say something you regret.

*Quickly forgive offenses. Otherwise you'll be dealing with a much larger issue: bitterness.  (Prov. 17:9; Prov. 19:11)

What are your thoughts on overcoming offenses?





Robin

Hurts and Offenses....Part 3

I want to spend just a couple of more days on the “hurt feelings, being offended” subject.  I hope you’ve gotten a lot from the comments that people have left.  You guys are wise!

Next I want to discuss your reactions when your feelings are hurt. When you’re offended do you become a stuffer (you hide your feelings and pretend that you’re not hurt)?  Or are you a screamer, a door-slammer, or maybe you throw things?  Or do you just shut down, try to keep from feeling anything, and become cold, detached and withdrawn?

You know you react in some form.  It’s a natural response.  Let’s learn to recognize it.

I’ll go first.

I just shut down.  My reaction is to pull back and not talk, smile or interact.  

So?  How do you react to being hurt and offended?







Robin

What Do You Think?.....continued

From yesterday’s post here’s the breakdown of the reasons why most people get their feelings hurt: (THANK YOU to those who took the time to leave a comment!)



Past offenses and hurts, rejections

Pride, insecurity, fear

Self, ego, self-centeredness

Not  believing God—allowing the situation to become bigger than God—not being anchored in Truth

Believing lies

Taking things personally

Expectations – when we expect more than the offender gives or can give

Allowing our feelings to control us

Now let’s focus on one of these in particular…..expectations. 

And another question:

 
It’s been said that the only way to never be disappointed or have your feelings hurt, is to have no expectations.  Do you think it is even possible to have no expectations of others?    

What do you think?





Robin

What Do You Think?

Your feelings got hurt. 

It happens. 



I’m sure it’s happened to you.  It’s certainly happened to me.

So, I've been wondering…

What causes our feelings to be hurt? 



What is the underlying issue or issues behind your hurt feelings?

I have some ideas, but tell me what you think.







Robin

If I've Said it Once....

Never allow your kids’ behavior to embarrass you

Never allow anyone to speak more highly of your husband than you

Sleep in something pretty

Never date anyone you wouldn’t consider marrying

Always prefer

Always love

Never allow yourself to be offended

Never let someone steal your joy

If you are called, He will enable you.

Happiness is a choice

It may be hard, but it’s not TOO hard.

Love is not just a feeling, it’s something you do

Smile…..a lot!

What things do you say often?

Robin