How Could You?

I witnessed it again last night while I was shopping. A mother, with two young daughters was talking with a friend, and the girls started misbehaving. They were arguing a bit about something, getting just a bit rowdy in their sisterly interaction. The mother was instantly embarrassed by their behavior and reacted accordingly. Her expression and countenance told those girls that she was deeply disappointed and ashamed they would act that way in front of her friend. And she had some harsh words with her daughters.

It brought back some memories because I know I’ve been guilty of the same thing.

Here’s the problem when we allow our children’s behavior to embarrass us. Our focus isn’t on them. Our focus is on ourselves. We take their behavior as a personal affront. We become more interested in what others think or on how we feel than being focused on teaching and training our children. We react from hurt, and the ones really being hurt are our own children.

Just think how often God could be embarrassed by our behavior. By the things we say or do. But He’s not. He is patient, and kind, and is not self-seeking. His compassions never fail. He is the Love of the father in the story of the prodigal son.

Learn from my experience. Don’t be embarrassed by your children. Focus on teaching them, instead. They’re still learning…and so are we.

Teens, Sex, and Dating

I’ve been doing a little reading about dating/not dating. Like I told you yesterday, it’s an area we’ll be discussing with our boys this year.

The other day I came across some statistics I wanted to share.

From the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy (2007 study)

Teens continue to say that parents most influence
their decisions about sex.

Most teens (64%) say they share their parents’
values about sex.

Most sexually experienced teens (60%)
wish they had waited longer to have
intercourse.

Fully 75% of teens do not think it is
embarrassing for teens to admit they are
virgins.

About half of teens (48%) say they have
never thought about what their life would
be like if they got someone or were pregnant as
a teen.

From the Centers for Disease Control

47% of all teens 9-12th grade have had sex, and 62% of all graduating seniors have had sex.

From Josh McDowell’s “Handbook on Counseling Youth”, a study in 1996 of 2400 teens from Utah State University and Brigham Young University:

91% of girls who begin dating at age 12 lose their virginity before graduation
56% at age 13
53% at age 14
40% at age 15
20% at age 16

How old were you when you began dating? Do/will your views on dating change on your watch?

They're Driving Me Crazy!

We’ve all said it at one time or another.

“My kids are driving me crazy!”

Guess what?

Our kids aren’t driving us crazy. God is using them to refine us!

The daily grind of wiping noses, bottoms and spills, dealing and dealing again with bickering, fussing and disobedience, and trying to keep our homes and ourselves in some sort of order aren’t making us crazy. (well, maybe they are sometimes) ; )

Those things are actually working in us tenderness, love, compassion, patience and many other virtues that are turning us into a person who looks more and more like Jesus.

Learn to recognize what we see as overwhelming, near impossible situations and circumstances, God sees as the way to Him.

2 Corinthians 2:17 So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

Night Terrors

When my daughter, Ali was about 4 years old, she began having night terrors. The scariest thing for me? I didn’t know what was going on. There was no Internet to check her symptoms, and it was a year or so before I even knew the term.

She would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying and I would rush to her bedside to hold her. She would continue to cry, eyes open, terrorized (and then her sisters would be awake). The hardest part was that she wasn’t really awake. And the saddest part was one night when she cried, “I want my mommy”, in her shaky, frightened voice, looking with her glassy eyes straight into mine. Heartbreaking for me, because I was powerless to do anything.

Dirk and I would pray over her, while tears streamed down my face, and we held her until she would finally settle. The next morning she wouldn’t remember any of it, thankfully.

I don’t remember this happening very many times. When it did, it left us wondering if we had allowed her to watch something she shouldn’t have, eat something that didn’t agree, or if it was just that fact that she had us for parents! ; )

Regardless, today she is the mother of two of our precious grandgirls. Those night terrors didn’t leave any lasting marks and she’s never had to undergo counseling. ; )

Those childhood issues you may endure for a time in your child’s life most likely won’t cause permanent damage. And you’ll discover those issues are not because of you!

Have any of your children ever experienced night terrors?

A Sad Conversation

Me: You know, the Bible tells us not to lie. (instructing voice)

Child #5 or 6 (at approx. age 8-10): It does? (amazed voice)

Me: Yeah, you know. (impatient voice) In the Ten Commandments. (duh voice)

Child: The Ten Commandments? What are the Ten Commandments? (really amazed voice)

Me: (Uh-oh moment) Hmmm….(this kid really doesn’t know what I’m talking about)…..Didn’t I tell you about those? (amazed voice)

-----------------------------
(Where are Cindy’s spreadsheets when you need them?)

Even in our most careful planning and teaching, we will leave gaps. Thank goodness, there is One who loves our children even more than we, and He’ll make sure to fill in where we leave off!

I’ve witnessed it first-hand.

Keep lovin’ them and take a deep breath….it will be OK.

You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus. Our God and Father abounds in glory that just pours out into eternity. (Phil. 4:19-20 The Message)

Choices and Consequences

The loss of privileges and reaping consequences is usually an effective method of training. After all, life is a series of choices, and those choices come with blessings or consequences.

Effective consequences are those that make a child re-evaluate their behavioral choices. It’s got to hit their passions hard enough that they decide making a good choice is a much better alternative. When we choose consequences for our child’s wrong choices, we need to make sure the consequence matches the offense and is of a reasonable time-frame.

Just today I grounded one of my boys from his X-box. He was playing it when I discovered his closet was a disaster. He knows we (should) choose taking care of our responsibilities before we do anything for entertainment. He has lost the privilege for a week.

We’ve had quite a variety of consequences with raising seven kiddos.

I remember one time telling Erin her loss would be reading. Yep. It was her passion. She was the child who would answer a doorbell, her eyes never leaving the page she was reading.

Our children have had to miss youth church on Wednesday nights. They’ve missed birthday parties for friends. They’ve missed dance lessons, guitar lessons and drum lessons. They’ve had their instruments taken away.

They’ve gotten extra chore duty for not doing the job the right way, or for whining and complaining.

Yeah, we’re mean parents. We want our kids to get the message that obedience and good attitude is more important than the things they love most.

What are some effective consequences or loss of privileges you’ve used in your home or even remember as a kid?

Who's the Boss?

You have Miss Bossypants at your house? Or Mr. Know-it-All? Listen to his bossiness carefully. You have an opportunity to learn about your child’s spiritual giftings!

You may discover responsibility, administration, prophecy, discernment, leadership, or exhortation. The list could go on. And, right now those very giftings are immature and untrained. They may be showing themselves as manipulation, controlling, pushiness, anger, or judgementalism.

So, how do we help our children turn those weaknesses into strengths?

Here are a few things that might help:

Continually establish the authority roles in your home
Have your child listen to his tone of voice (sometimes, it’s not the words as much as the tone—true for us as well!)
Have him “practice” the word exchange again, the right way.
Continually encourage personal responsibility
Teach him about his giftings and using them correctly
Teach God’s Word, reading lots of scriptures about the tongue and the words of our mouth
Pray, pray and pray some more

Again, this is not something that will go away after a few reprimands. It will be an on-going process as long as you are responsible for your child’s training. Take heart! God has a mighty plan for that bossy little one. Ask me how I know! ; )

What ways do you deal with your bossy ones?

M-O-O-O-O-O-OM!

It starts with picking. It moves on to bickering. From there, with the right buttons pushed, mom has been brought in on the scene.

If you have more than one child, you recognize this as…..dun---ta-dun-dun…. sibling rivalry. It’s the source of many hair-pulling days. Left unattended, it can become the ending to one of your child’s best lifetime friendships.

In our home, with so many children, this sort of behavior came often. One day, I decided to lighten the mood a bit, and try to teach something at the same time. After too many warnings, I tied Andrew and Erin together, wrist-to-wrist. I told them they would have to learn to cooperate together and when they were getting along and choosing to love one another, I would release their bonds. They were probably around 8 and 10.

At first, they would just sit down. But, soon, they would decide to try something together. Then, it became a game.

If you ask them, they’ll tell you they just pretended to cooperate and get along so I'd untie them. But, I knew when they had gotten past their bickering. Their smiles had returned.

I used this technique with several other sibling pairs. Sometimes, it was over quickly. Others, depending on their stubbornness level, took several hours.

Overcoming sibling rivalry takes work and more work, prayer and more prayer. It is only ended when each child has a change of heart and chooses to love. (hang in there) ; )

What are your techniques for dealing with sibling rivalry?

Tomorrow, we’ll deal with bossing other siblings.

What are some other parenting issues you’d like to see discussed here?

Mouthy

Sassing. Talking-back. Back-talkin’. Mouthing off. We’ve done it, we’ve experienced it.

It’s a behavior that needs to be stopped quickly and it starts way earlier than you’d ever think! (My baby’s mouth just said, “No”? No way!)

It’s something you’ll begin with instructing your precious ones, “we don’t talk back to mommy”, and, as they grow, develops into instructions in respect, authority and the tongue.

When our children are young, they may need many reminders.

My friend, Amy has a suggestion. Being concerned about her daughter’s sassiness, and after much prayer and searching of scriptures, she and her husband came up with “Sassy Sauce” – apple cider vinegar in a spray bottle! A little unconventional, but it works for her.

“Madison is almost 5 and Jonathan is 2 (and very good at it). We started with one spray for saying "no" or "but", two sprays for any complaining or arguing. I try and give one warning but I don't threaten all day long. It's easier for me to spray it, talk to her about controlling her tongue, and then reap the benefits from the action the rest of the day.

She knows that if she doesn't take the vinegar then she gets a spanking and then STILL has to take the vinegar so she stands there and opens her mouth.

Our son is the same way. He stands there and just cries. Time outs are pretty effective with him so we typically only spray him when his little tongue is completely out of control.
When I look around I am so glad that I am working with them in this crucial area. For this is something that I have to work on in my own life at 28. So in essence WE as a family are working on not arguing and complaining TOGETHER.

Geez....guess I should give myself the sassy sauce sometimes: )”

The important thing is making sure you begin to see progress in your child’s response to you. Be sure your child understands your expectations, then figure out something that “works”.

What happens at your house when your child talks back or has a sassy mouth? Remember to list their ages.

We’ll come back to “What Works” on Tuesday of next week. Then, we’ll talk about sibling rivalry and picking on each other. Them, not us... ; )

I'm Tellin'....

A tattle-tale shares information that is not his to share, or sets himself up to police a situation. For us big kids, it’s called gossiping and being a busybody. It can lead to all kinds of relational problems and is something we tried to keep under control.

At our home, the girls seemed to be bigger tattle-tales than the guys. Or maybe it was only the order our children were born. We had Erin, then Andrew, and then 3 more girls before our last two, boys

I remember telling my kids that unless someone was bleeding profusely or dead, I didn’t really want to know the “information” about what their sibling was or wasn’t doing. ; )

Our little Katie (now 19, a nursing student, and married) was our most memorable tattler. Part of it was because of her personality and giftings. She is very much a take-charge girl and has the gift of discernment. However, it was a gifting that needed some directing and harnessing.

One day, in my frustration with the continued tattling, an idea came to me (I’m sure it was direct from heaven! ). I attached a tail to her backside. A tattle-tail to wear all day. She was about 4 or 5. It was just a sash, really, but it was a little embarrassing to her and I only remember using it twice.

Have any tattlers at your house? What have you found to cur-“tail” the behavior? Do tell. (Be sure to give your children’s ages).

Tomorrow? How about talking back or being sassy? Oh, you’ve never experienced that one, huh? ; )

Thou Shall Not Whine

Thanks for your comments yesterday. They were written with passion and great understanding. Take the time to read them. This is an issue near and dear to most of us. It’s where we live! (FYI: Erin and Ali are two of my daughters—I love hearing their perspective on parenting! It makes me smile!)

Today, we’ll take up the issue of whining.

I remember whining well….too well. It’s something that we, as moms, can become immune to hearing. It may happen so often that we don’t even notice it anymore! But, it’s an annoying tone of voice in our children (and hopefully not in ourselves!) that if left unchecked will become a habit that we’ve allowed.

When our children (around the ages of 3-9) would whine, we would remove them from the rest of the family (by sending them to sit on a sofa in our bedroom).We explained to them that whining is complaining and not acceptable behavior, and they were to stay in the bedroom until they were ready to come speak in a normal tone of voice, with instructions to return with an apology. It usually worked without having to take further steps. (Though, sometimes, they were sent back to the bedroom a second time to try again for a better tone.) Soon, they learned that using a whiny tone of voice was not acceptable without consequences.

So, what are your suggestions for ending the whineys? What has worked for you?

Tell us your children’s ages, the method(s) you’ve tried and found to work. (and if you already told us yesterday, tell us again about how you handle whining.) Like some of you said, what works for one of your children may not work for another personality or situation. Maybe we’ll all get some good suggestions. This will be fun and enlightening!

Tomorrow, we’ll talk about tattling! But, don’t go tellin’ anyone ; ).

Does it Work?

Recently at a parenting class I attended, there was some discussion on discipline methods and “what works”. So, we defined “works” in reference to changing a child’s behavior. I don’t remember the exact definition my friend, Cheryl said, but it was something along the lines of:

It’s where good attitude and proper behavior meet; a heart change in your child. It's establishing the boundaries necessary for peace in your home. It's training in righteousness.

Too many times we find ourselves corralling, controlling, or simply enduring our child’s behavior, hoping it will pass, or not even knowing how to deal with it.

And when we do find something that “works’ it doesn’t necessarily mean that particular behavior will never creep in or happen again. It might. It probably will. And we press on.

So, this week I want us to discuss some methods you’ve used to change your child’s behavior. Things that have “worked” in regard to talking back, lying, being a tattle-tale, not following through, whining, and others.

Do you have a definition of what “works”?

What are some particular areas you struggle with in correcting your child’s behavior?

Come back tomorrow….we’ll begin then with whining. Got some good suggestions?

Uneven

Dirk and I each grew up with one sibling. In our homes, things were usually evenly divided between each child. If one of us got new clothes, then you could be sure that the other one would have something new as well. We alternated turns sitting in the front seat. If there was one piece of pie left, it was easily divided into halves.

With the addition of each child in our family, evenly dividing things became more difficult. It gave us the opportunity to teach them important lessons on sharing, preferring, and realizing that we all have differing needs.

I’m sure my children have been stretched in this area. My younger boys have many more opportunities than their older siblings. My older kids did without a lot of things, like vacations, and music lessons, and new clothes.

It’s been a lesson for Dirk and I, knowing that we couldn’t provide for them all the same way. And we’ve had to trust that God knew that when He allowed us to care for them. It’s also reminded me that our Father isn’t fair either. (Thankfully!) He is a just God. He gives us each what we need and a lot of times even what we want. I’m really good with that.

How about you? Did you grow up in a family where everything had to be equal? Do you have a hard time when things aren’t fair or equal?

Go Fly a Kite!

A couple of weeks ago, Dirk and I headed the motorcycle out to Lake Overholser in west Oklahoma City. We came upon a new park, Route 66 Park, located on the southwest side of the lake.

This park is a delight!

It’s worth the drive. Take a picnic and plan on spending a few hours. Take a kite. Take your roller blades or skateboards. (Come on, you know you want to). I’m looking into one of those new wave boards. Looks like FUN!

; -) There are large ponds and a really nice, big playground area.

Explore the Route 66 sidewalk at the south end of the park and you’ll feel like you did school for the day. It’s like an outdoor museum!

Whatever you decide to do there, make plans to go! You won’t be disappointed.

Have you been here? Are you going? Do you want a wave board too? ; )

Learned from Experience

If you’ve ever spent any time with me, you’ve probably heard me offer the words, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

See? I know about this statement from first-hand experience. Oh, I know. There are those that just aren't hard on themselves. Maybe they have a lazy streak, or don’t have personal standards to achieve. Or maybe they’re just someone with a completely calm and easy-going personality and submissive nature. That’s not who I’m talking about.

You know who you are. You’re the over-achiever. You’re the one who has the bar raised pretty high, and when you get there, well, you move it even higher.

Here’s the deal. When we do that to ourselves…we also tend to apply that standard to others. Usually, to those we love most. (“It was pretty good, but it could have been better.”)

Are you that person?

If you recognize these tendencies in yourself, consider offering yourself some grace. If you’ll think about it, you may be reaching for heights that God hasn’t even asked of you.

So, take my advice…”Don’t be so hard on yourself”.

Receive some grace for yourself…then offer it to those around you.


Receive and experience the amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, deep, deep within yourselves.
Phil. 4:23

Are you hard on yourself?